I’m going to be frank with ya’ll. My life has been one hell of a vapid emotional and mental roller coaster.
I don’t anything against people that go to college but it’s ridiculous when you sit back and analyze the other person’s life. I know everyone has the same method of balancing out their life and what they want for themselves, but when they point a finger at the “supportive” one, take their unhappiness out on the “supportive” one, and make excuses about how to advance in your life, you start to question your sanity.
When I moved to California, I had to learn real quick how to adapt to my new environment. Not only did I just move from Atlanta, GA, a city entrenched in music and battles of mentalities, but I also was not used to being around so many Asians. I was that one Asian student that everyone either bombarded me with questions or literally expected me to adhere to pop-culture stereotypes. And yes, people did try to touch my hair and talk to me because they thought I was unable to articulate “effectively” with the other kids. Ironically, this was how I got along with the African American kids at my school. I’m not sure if it was the fact that it was recognized that I was a minority, more so than the black kids, or if it was simply because they didn’t believe the things the white kids.
So moving to Cali was a big culture shock. I mean I was so used to seeing people walk to the corner store with doo rags, going out and staying late, sharing meals with people, and overall understanding. Now this is excluding some of the older generation individuals where they looked at me like I was an alien or something right Pulp Fiction.
I’m grateful my parents uprooted me from the South and forced me to survive in California. Even though I left my support circle and people I thought would be with me til the end, I learned real quick just how weak my relationships were. It’s not my old friends were shallow but when you’re worrying about high school and what you want to do with your life, the natural inclination to be selfish seeps in. They went on to focus on themselves.
California forced me to communicate with people actively. My method of just sitting in class until someone wanted to talk to me didn’t slide here. I actually had to get over my shyness and fear of rejection real quick because I was not about to go through life without having that safety net. It’s only natural. We’re social creatures and, in my opinion, the people that choose to be hermits honestly don’t the desire to be social. It doesn’t matter if they know how important to have connections, some inner demons take a hold of people and these hermits prefer to let their fears and insecurities take over. They avoid taking calculated risks.
In regards to the situation that essentially consumed me and made me doubt myself. I doubted myself so much I questioned my choices at the time; going to college, wanting to blog, trying to expand my modeling career. All of these choices I cultivated, nurtured, and valued suddenly became veiled in fog. I became jaded and starting question how I was the problem when in reality “my partner” was the problem.
Instead of being supportive and non-judgmental, he “joked” with snide comments. He’s play the guilt card making me feel like I wasn’t a good woman to him. It was draining. Writing on BiteMeIDareYou is liberating. Not because I’m able to write down my thoughts but for the fact that when I write, I’m very black and white. My style is using a stream of consciousness to help my readers walk with me through my experiences. Truth be told, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I went through.
But now that I have a toxic element out of my life, I can finally focus on what makes me happy. It’s amazing though, how one person can take away/cloud your sense of self. It’s a learning lesson and even though I love the person, because I know how “good” person he can be,
I think there comes a point when you are staring at a wall and are forced to ask yourself blunt questions about yourself that require blunt answers.
I love ya’ll nibblers 😀