So a lot has happened since I last posted and I apologize for my followers. I do have a bunch of goodies to share; beauty and brain food.
Other then the obvious semester finals creeping up, there have been some personal matters that have been stomping around in my life, making it a little too complicated than necessary. My ex that had move to Cali for “us” (in all reality it was for himself and used the “us” term when he wanted) and I have a series of arguments that led me to lose focus on not only school but myself. Somehow all the arguing and emotional roller-coaster drowned me into a state of mental comatose and into an emotional war. We broke up but I had promised him that he could still stay as long as we both understood that we were roommates and we are to respect each other’s boundaries. Despite him breaking up with me, for reasons that he withheld way too long to himself that could have been prevented, I had to be the one to clearly define our “relationship” to him.
I placed certain expectations onto him and on myself for the sake of having a peace of mind and I really did not want to engage in an emotional tug-a-war anymore. One night after picking him up from work, because his car died, he kept interrogating me about what we are “allowed” to do. Puzzled, I looked at him and said, “if you want to work our relationship, friendship, or whatever you gotta be clear with me since you broke up with me. We were friends before starting a relationship but that foundation has obviously diminished on your end. So, for the time being I wouldn’t think it’s appropriate to do things that we used to do as a couple”. He looked upset. His big brown eyes emoted a mixture of sadness, confusion, and annoyance. We didn’t talk for the rest of drive back to the apartment.
Obviously my language around him changed because I no longer used any form of “us”; there was no unity so there was no need for that type of language. No puppy names, the apartment was not considered “home” anymore, and I tried to keep conversations very short. It wasn’t because I was hurt (in all honesty I was glad and angry that he held in his feelings til the point of breaking up) but because I didn’t know how he would behave himself. It’s true when you date someone, you know them best. His unpredictability was a trait that I was never really fond of because he would reveal that side of him in the worst situations. Regardless, let’s just say he did a 180 and wanted to “work things out” again because it was odd to him that I “moved on”. I told him I had no desire to “restart” a relationship with someone who intentionally held his feelings in and is a hypocrite. He used to nag me to “express my feelings” more and lecture me on how a relationship can’t work if we don’t communicate. Well, ladies, if a guy tells you to “express your feelings more” be sure to look out if he changes his attitude resulting in him saying your “too sensitive”. As I tried to return doing my homework, he kept bugging me and wanting my attention as if it was the end of the world. I would say he turned into an 8 year old who was throwing a tantrum.
Ultimately things got out of hand and there were things said that were extremely hurtful and he knew it.
Now if someone intentionally starts slandering you and throwing insults at you with a goal to hurt you, then you need to stand up and let it be known that it’s not okay. I already knew he was being childish because he bothering me but it was very selfish of him to saying things in order to get a reaction out of me.
At some point, in an intimate relationship or not, it important to know when to be mindful, when to be tolerant and when not to be tolerant. According to Gregory J. Johanson, Ph.D. he stated in an interview to psychologicaltoday, “A mindful state of consciousness is characterized by awareness turned inward toward present felt experience. It is passive, though alert, open, curious, and exploratory. It seeks to simply be aware of what is, as opposed to attempting to do or confirm anything…Practicing mindfulness techniques can help you to stay calm when things are going badly, without resorting to an occasional tranquilizer or a stiff drink, although in some ways it accomplishes much the same thing…People feel emotional pain for the same reason they feel physical pain: It is a signal to the person that something in the environment is wrong and needs attention.”
Tolerance is a “fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one’s own.” ( dictionary.com). Key word is permissive.
I was being mindful of my situation because I was aware of his actions but I became intolerant when he pushed things too far. There is a line drawn figuratively between you establish any type of relationship. The more intimate the relationship, the more you know about each other and there are more lines drawn; some hold more significance than others.
There is a point when you have to be bluntly honest with yourself and ask if how you are being treated fair? Would you treat another human being, specifically someone you care about, the way that you are being treated?
There is a reason why it is important to have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect. Because we are taught to value ourselves and life itself. If we didn’t value ourselves or life there would be no desire nor need to label what is “healthy” or “good”. There would be no laws enforced. There would be no sense of structure. You would essentially value being an inanimate object as far as you are concerned. I don’t know about you but I personally don’t want to feel or be treated like shit. It’s not cute, there is nothing beneficial about it (other than being used as fertilizer), and there is no meaning to being “a piece of shit”.
So in regards to the predicament I was in, let’s just say I gave my ex exactly what he wanted. I gave him a reaction. I gave him a piece of just how disrespectful he was and how I will not let him treat me the way that he did. I let him know what his hypocrisy was the very reason I no longer wanted to try anymore. You can’t treat someone so badly and with intent and expect them to turn around and be nice for you. You can’t. Even kids as young as 3 years old know when they do something wrong, they aren’t going to be treated nicely because of their actions. So if a 3 year old understands the concept of “treat others how you would treat yourself” than there is no excuse for anyone, especially over the age of 22, to be ignorant.
My message is that know yourself worth. Don’t define it as if it was a strict definition but define as a metaphor. Everyone is important and deserves to be loved, cared for, and respected. Do not feel sorry for standing up for yourself. Do not apologize for saying, ” I love myself and I don’t deserve to be hurt”.
I live my life with the certain models that I would want others to follow. I practice what I preach and I don’t apologize for it unless I know that I am truly wrong. I’m not ignorant to say I know everything when I don’t. I accept I don’t know everything and the older I get, I realize just how much there is that I don’t know and that’s okay. ” Bite me I Dare You” is my mindset and I hope that my blog itself allows and encourages more people, men and women, to speak up and be proud of who they are.
So again, Bite me, I dare you.