So the day that I was supposed to write a post for ya’ll obviously didn’t happen because I personally had an emotional and mental breakdown. You would think after getting rid of an emotional vampire and wallet eater would make you have a “Yeah Bitch” attitude, being that you’re free and all.
Nope. Too early in my case. I had finally tore myself away from the monster just a couple months ago and living with the guy didn’t help with my attempts.
Here are somethings I’ve learned from being in an abusive relationship, intimate or personal.
- Everything starts out small. The abuse is disguised as a character flaw whether it be how the person teases you, talks to you, or whatever. The moment the other person makes you feel bad or acts in a way that, if you weren’t dating to beginning w, disrespects you, shut the chase down and run.
- The person in question will blame their childhood upbringing or blame past relationship failures on their behaviors. There’s a certain line where empathy ends and manipulation and total bullsshit begins. The person of interest should have absolved whatever relationship barriers or learned how to deal with their “baggage” before attempting to date again. Period.
- Finding out why that person in question is single to begin with helps a lot. I know it’s a stereotypical dating “no-no” but I’m not saying to flat out why they’re fucking single on the first date or something. Just casually bring it up or make a joke about something regarding past relationship fails. We all know we can laugh at past relationships. I didn’t find out how my ex was single until after investing 5 or so months actually dating him. During the courtship phase past relationships weren’t really brought up on his end.
- The person will highlight everything good about themselves during the honeymoon phase and makes sure they have you “hooked”. Trust me, no matter how much you want to deny that you’re the type of person that turns into pudding and starts seeing baby animals every time something is related to Mr/Mrs Perfect, you ARE going to be in an emotional state of mind where you couldn’t give 2 shits about “reason”.
- You’ll start justifying everything “bad” the person does just to make sense of their behavior even though your gut is screaming at you like a banshee to run.
- If they introduce you to their friends and most of their friends are intellectually lower than you or less ambitious then you, there is a very real possibility that the person you are with is putting a front up just to be w you. It’s a fact that people are the “average” or a collection of who they surround themselves with or the type of environment they live in.
- For interracial couples out there, if your partner’s “good friend” is racist, just leave. Why? Bc every time your partner goes to seek advice, their “good friend” will always say something about your partner should have stayed with people of their own skin color/race/culture instead of giving advice as to how to deal w a situation.
- Intelligence is absolutely relative, well-roundedness is not. Someone could be intelligence in a couple or a category of fields but once you question or try to discuss a subject 180 degrees from their “comfort subject” they will fall flat in conversing or try to direct the conversation back into their control.
- Abusive people don’t like to be “wrong” or be called “wrong” in any sort if way. If they apologize, most likely they’re keeping a mental score board and using whatever incident that had just happened as ammo to throw in your face later
- Abusive people will preach sensible and wise mantras that make you mentally double take once an argument has occurred, distracting you from the fact that it was the other persons actions that lead to to fight in the beginning. Remember, they abuser is always going to make sure they are never in the wrong.
- The quote “actions speak louder then words” speaks fucking volumes and you’ll either become deaf or blind depending on how deep you’re in the relationship.
- If you present a rock solid argument against the abuser, you will always be wrong to them. It does not matter if your lawyer or debate friend reassured you that your argument is bulletproof; the abuser will keep mud slinging and say you’re wrong or stupid.
- Abusers will typically leech off of you in some sort of way whether it be financially, emotionally, or physically.
- Everything bad in their life is like a Shakespearean tragedy and somehow they expect you to comfort them later to hear that they don’t want to be “pitied by you”.
- Anything nice you do on a continual basis will become an expectation. (ex: I used to be the one that made dinner every night bc I was the one home while the guy was still at work. Since their would be good left over, he would always have something to eat once I picked him up at 12am when we started fighting and school started to become a little overwhelming, I stopped cooking for a minute bc I had no desire to eat nor did I have the time to cool between taking care of myself and picking him up/takin care of his dog)
- Abusers will only live in the moment that benefits them. If they are throwing their guts up, naturally as a relationship partner or “friend” you would try to help them get better. Like, oh i don’t know, feeding them, getting them medicine, babying them, putting off your own work, and if you DONT revolve around the person like a personal maid, suddenly you’re not good enough for him. Again, there will always SOMETHING wrong.
- Abusers lack the ability to empathize. I was light headed on my bday so, I couldn’t drive the both of us home from a bball game in Oakland. He proceeded to call me names and tell me I was selfish for not making him food and bc I wanted to lay down to regain some sort of strength. He had assumed that I wouldn’t make him any food even though I explicitly told him I would make food or I would give him money. As I am laying down, he rips the overs off of me 2x, yells at me from the moment we both got into the apartment til he harassed me to the point of chasing me out of my own apartment. It was awesome ya’ll
- You will truly see who your friends are and how they really feel about you and the situation you’re in. My best guy friend, let’s call him Nelson, who lives in potato state got extremely upset as he over heard the guy yelling at me and belittling me bc I was on the phone w Nelson who had just finished singing happy birthday to me. A girlfriend I had stayed with, let’s call her Simply, looked worried and a bit confused/sad that I was on her couch bawling my eyes out completely mad and lost as I how i ended up where I was.
Both friends know that I’m the type that doesn’t take any sort of shit from people to begin with and I voice my opinion if I have a question or think something doesn’t seem right, especially of someone is being disrespectful.
- Every time you attempt to leave your abuser, their apologizes will start out grandiose and abnormally sincere but the more times they are able to keep you from walking out of their lives, the more severe the payback will be or they apologizes will become more and more impersonal.
- You start to question your own ability to make a judgement as a human being once you reach your breaking point. This is probably the point when you’d question why the fuck you want to put a lipstick on rather then debated what color you feel like wearing because you simply adore lipstick.
- You start to wonder and get into the habit of beating yourself up for every “bad” thing that happens to you or to him. Like, you’d start looking at your own handwriting and start saying it looks ugly or you’ll start wondering if you’re undressing even though you have jeans, boots, a long sleeve shirt, and a thick coat on top of everything.
- You start to slowly become like you’re abuser as you slowly reflect the negative and detrimental characteristics they have been poisoning you with for the amount of time y’all have been together
- By the time you reach your breaking point, you won’t have a social life
- You probably won’t enjoy the hobbies you used to do.
- Once you break up, you go though a maniac phase of sanitizing and rearranging your home and personal bubble so that any trace of the abuser is obliterated. (Aka: art supply, home dept, and thrift stores become your haven)
- I leaned that you will have an internal world war Z if you had to go through the process of filing a restraining order. It’s crazy that you are asking the law to keep this abuser, who you previously was head over heels about, and attempting to go back to some semblance of a “normal” life.
- You probably will never want to look at any sort of reminder of their person. For me it would be nothing regarding the Virgin Islands and overly enthusiast anti-capitalism people.
I do not wish it upon anyone to grow through the hell I went through. I normally am a very confident and spontaneous person that usually does whatever the fuck she wants. I was at peace with my own personal insecurities. After being in such an awful situation, it took me a couple steps back. Everything that made me who I am, was criticized and robbed from me because the person made me feel like it was “wrong” to be a certain way. He made me feel like my personality was immature rather then carefree. That spontaneity was recklessness. If I had seen the warning signs, if I had trusted my gut, if I was more honest with myself, I wouldn’t have been robbed. Now I am taking the baby steps to get back my “I’m gonna do what I wanna do bitch!” attitude. But I hope my post helps women out there that have been/ are in an abusive relationship.
Don’t hesitate to message me or anything. My blog says “bite me I dare you” for a reason. It’s to emphasize that there isn’t going to be judgements or criticisms passed onto others. My “nibblers” should strive to be open minded, compassionate, and willing. No one truly has an idea as to how scary and hurtful it is to go through such an experience unless they actually have gone through it themselves. Like my previous post, NO ONE will KNOW how YOU FEEL. Just being a shoulder or an ear to listen with a cup of tea, a blanket, and an arsenal of hugs can do wonders.