That’s When I Knew..

Hey Y’all

Have y’all ever had that moment when you realize that at some point in your life you feel completely lost?

When the goals you drew about as a small kid now seemed more like giant obstacles?

When the way you thought about certain subjects are now being challenged and you’re not sure where you’d stand?

When the way you cleaned your room, or start to, no long is time efficient and deters you from completing any other mundane task on your mental “adult-stuff” list.

I woke up at 5:10 am and the air was felt as crisp as a fresh Fiji apple. My mouth yearned to have its thirst quenched. White dry saliva made it hard to open my mouth completely. My lips cracked as I tried to drink. I stare at my clock and mentally rehearse what my academic schedule would be.

The silence was peaceful.

There weren’t any racing vehicles in the background. Their roaring engines no longer invaded my bubble. Momo and Benji were both at my feet all cuddled up into giant fur balls and peaceful smiles taking residence on their faces. What would it be like to be one of them for a day or two.

Like a sloth, I lugged myself out of my futon-bed, trying not to disturb the babies, and waddles to my closet. There was a pile of clean and dirty cloths on the floor just outside my closet’s door. Both of them just stared at me, one saying that I need to organize and put them away while the other was saying I needed to hurry up and wash them.

I dance myself into some jeans, a tank, and my purple, running jacket.

I look at my futon once more only to fight back the memories it held.

Quarter-Life Crisis 

that was the only phrase I could think about as I drove to school. It’s scary, when you remember those moments of you as a kid and you would be insisting on you knew what you wanted. You would dress up like your dream career. You would find books and gobble up any information regarding your career and field and you were dubbed an “information junkie” for a while. I remember I wanted to be a Vet or some sort of lawyer when I grew up while I was growing up. I was obsessed with animals on every level and somehow wanted to understand every fabric of their beings. I’d even sometimes wished I was an animal besides a human. The lawyer path was mainly influenced by my grandmother after I fought her resisting her wishes for me to become a pharmacist like my aunt. ( Most of my relatives on my dad’s side are into the medical field whether owning companies, hospitals, or being well known physicians ) I didn’t want to deal with pills and chemicals. I thought they were scary. When I’d get sick as a child, the doctors would prescribe me giant horse pills to “alleviate my pain” or “help me get better”. Ironically, I’d just get worse and vowed not to finish my prescription and avoided my mother like the plague. Now being 22, being a vet or a lawyer doesn’t appeal to me and I’ve tried to remember why I those those two particular careers and why I was so god damn adamant about them.

I had to figure out what I wanted needed to do early on being that I was the only one with fluent English skills. So, when it came to grades, homework assignments, school rules and policies, programs, and admissions, I was the one that hunted down everything I could to understand what the hell these individual task meant. Hell, researching for potential colleges, that were budget friendly and had the type of environment that would help me the most, took a stupid amount of time because my parents only worried about me staying close to home. They didn’t believe in going to junior college to “ease into” university life.

They didn’t, and stil don’t, believe there are any short cuts in life.

I agree with them. I’d just say I am an extremely lazy and somewhat cheap person so I’ll find a way to minimize the amount of work I’d need to do and a way to spend the least amount of money.

I call it working smart 🙂

Still, being a full time university student for almost 3 years now, it’s scary and mind numbing to reach a wall in your life where you are absolutely lost as to what you want to do with your life. It’s hard to just sweep your worries under the rug and focus on book work when you know that all these books are going to either sold or never opened again after you finish the respective courses.

I’m hear to just write that it’s okay to be lost.

Embrace it. I think there is a reason why almost all college students, or people in general, reach a wall in their lives. I think it’s to force ourselves to re-evaluate everything that has happened til that particular point. I mean, sometimes we are guilty of just “going with the flow” of things and consequently, we let time slip through our hands and it smacks us in the face when we realize that you’ve done so little with your life or the time that just had passed.

It’s okay to not know. “I don’t know” is an honest and truthful answer.  Don’t try to speculate a ton of plausible or possible ways to convince yourself into some career or force yourself to just pick whatever is closest to your previous goal just because.

I think people just need to just know that they aren’t alone. People may tell you that “it’s your life and you can do whatever you want” but that doesn’t mean you have to be alone. That doesn’t mean you have to restrict yourself to confining to a certain group that essentially revolves around one or two concepts and nothing else. ( Like Associations of Future Pharmacists ) It’s good to just go out there and do what makes you happy. By the time you reach college, you’ll be about 18. It’ll be scary whether you want to admit it or not. It’s okay to say that you don’t know to a lot of things. It’s a lot better then trying to come up with a fictitious answer for the sake of answering a question.

It’s important to know when you don’t know something. That’s where you can embark on a new journey.

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