Addie makes me Happy and somewhat Sane

As a preface I was a very good student growing up; I got straight As all through middle and junior high and participated in multiple extracurricular like sports, outside music lessons, and volunteering. Sometimes my childhood friends would tell me that I’m some sort of superhuman because I managed to time manage like a boss, better than some adult executives do, and still managed to maintain a somewhat “bubbly” personality.

Yes, I was a “hyper” kid in a sense. I wouldn’t describe myself as a ball of energy since I preferred to relax at home or at our family’s pizza parlor, which we had back in the day, and exercise my creative side like draw. Looking back, I don’t know how I managed live the lifestyle that I had. I mean, both my parents and grandparents were working at the pizza parlor ( yay for saving money on employees! ) and my dad and grandpa worked at a gas station at night for extra money. My father always told me that all he needed was a bottle of coke and a pack of Newports.

I don’t exactly know when my personality changed so dramatically but I would say 80% of how I was a kid does not apply to me now. I’m mediocre with time management, I’m not very organized anymore, a little bit more girly, there’s a little more of a need to go out and do things outside my home/meet strangers, and I have average grades ( As, Bs, and the occasional C ). I would contribute it to me being bucked off a horse when I went riding with my best friend, at the time, around when I was in 6th grade or so. I completely blacked out and I was constantly asking “where am I” and “what time is it” the whole drive back home. My friend’s mom was a gynecologist so she immediately went into mom/doctor mode. They were like my second family really. After that everything seemed normal, my parent scrambled to get enough money for a CAT and MRI scan but I always insisted that it wasn’t necessary. I felt completely normal if not just sore; I dismissed the incident as a lesson and something to laugh at when I got older ( yes, I thought in terms of future when I was that young ).

As it got closer to me moving to California in 2008/09 there was a lot of family turmoil slowly eating away at each member. My mother was going through a mid-life crisis of some sort because she didn’t want to leave her life again when she already done so when she moved to America.   My grandparents were fighting more and more mainly because we had been robbed clean two separate times by two different church members. My grandpa got fed up with the buffoonery and refused to go to church and my grandma would nag and protest.I think why my grandma was so upset was mainly because people always asked her where my grandpa was; he was a very likable man and had a particular presence when he entered a room. My little sister, 8-9 years old at the time, was going through the questioning phase. She would just ask “why” all the time or answer “why” when she was told what to do. She  wasn’t getting along with the kids at her school. She was getting teased because she was a little on the darker side and most kids held firm to the traditional Asian stereotype; long sleek black hair, very fair, and bad teeth. My little sister had wavy hair, a wonderful light chest-nutty complexion with some freckle like me, and she had fucking perfect teeth. A lot of people thought we weren’t related and still don’t. Funny thing is, she always brought over parties of kids, like 6-8 people, for sleepovers and what not. I had always been shy and a bit more introverted so I’d opted to bring 1-2 people over. My father had now moved to Dallas as he ambitiously fought to start his own business and expand into a full fledged entrepreneur; consequently he rarely came home. Phone calls counted as “spending time” with my dad. My close connection with my father faded quickly and I was no longer a “daddy’s girl” and I stuck by my grandfather. I resented my father to a degree.

Summer of 2008, we landed at John Wayne Airport and entered a whole new world. Tall, glass towers became the giant sequoias, people wore sunglasses and looked stressed compared to the laid back nature of the Southerners I grew up around, and there was a ton of Asians. The whole experience was an anomaly since I grew up mainly with black and white people.

Fast forward to my junior/senior year of high school and first year of college, this was when I noticed when everything about me seemed to have changed. I started to take Adderall, oh what a wonderful purple pill from my high school days, and tried to juggle everything around me. I didn’t use it regularly because I hated the fact that I had to use a pill to stay focused, motivated, and some what efficient at school when I managed fine without it before. As the semesters went on I clung to the pills. Now they are little aqua colored pills filled with tiny white pearls. How could something so small have such a profound effect on me ? I’d wondered.

Unfortunately I went about different means to get these pills since it was a bit difficult to have my doctor be on the same boat at the time. I survived on 2-3 pills every 2 weeks mainly using them on the weekend when I didn’t have anything to do but relax and study for whatever chaos awaited me for the coming week. I’ll admit, taking the pills by now didn’t give me the surge of immediate focus that they did when I first took them in high school. They still made me calm and helped me maintain my focus and attention on whatever task I was attempting at moment. I wasn’t officially diagnosed ADD/ADHD from my current psychiatrist but he has implied it privately to me when my mother couldn’t come to the counseling sessions. No, I am not crazy. I detest that stigma; people seek a professional’s opinion when no one else can give you the answered that you need, even if it’s an “I don’t know”. I’ll introduce ya’ll to deeper parts of me slowly since this blog is somewhat of a meditation medium for me. But, as a note to anyone reading, it’s okay to go to a psychiatrist/counselor if you need it. They fucking go to school and medical school to get a damn PhD to practice privately. Your friends and family can only feed you so much sugar-coated opinions, brute opinions, and speculative thoughts but they will never be able to get to the “down and dirty” of the skeletons and demons within you. I don’t care if they say they “understand how you feel”. No, you tell them that they don’t understand how you feel because they are not you. You are your own person and you have your own personal process of interpreting events in your life and distinct feelings as a result. So if someone ever tells you they “understand how you’re feeling” take it as an insult  and please, at least let them know they should rephrase they’re statement.

Adderall is like a guide dog in a way.It helps you clear through the fog clouding your mind. It helps calm down and relax into a pleasant state of mind. It helps you focus and catch yourself if you are off task. It’s a wonderful thing.

It took awhile for me to come to terms that there is nothing wrong with taking a pill to keep me sane and happy. It’s unfortunate there are still people in this day and age that abuse the shit out of these pills making it harder people that actually need it way more difficult than it needs to be to get a script. It’s sad that doctors fight, kicking and screaming in their refusal, to prescribe you Adderall or any form of it.

Yes, you’ll probably lose like 20 lbs because you have absolutely no desire to eat. But, think of it as actually taking a conscious decision to eat. To actually force yourself to be aware of what you put in your body and not being a black hole just consuming whatever is cheap or near by.

Yes, you’ll be wired depending on your tolerance. But, think of it as your headlights for life. You are forced to consciously be aware of what you are doing. You are forced to be somewhat more anal about what you commit your time to. You aren’t simply “doing” things.

Yes, you will probably get moody. Hell, I’d rather be moody and work on whatever negative emotion to become a better person than be a depressed panda who tries to be an ostrich and not do anything about it.

So for anyone out there that is actively fighting against the idea of using these pills, for those abusing these drugs, and for those of you who currently take it, really think about how these little things will contribute to your quality of life in the long run.

Don’t take it to rage and stay up all night to stay in a “fucked up” state of mind just to be cool. You’re only hurting yourself and future.

Don’t deny yourself something that you know might help you just because you’re around people that look down on it and stigmatize anything associated with it. Remember, they don’t “understand how you feel”, only you do.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you are taking it. Compare how you were without the pills and now. Do you enjoy your life more? Are you happier with the person you are now verses then? Trust your gut and experiences.

Note: this post is not to advocate a bunch of stupid mother fuckers to go out and buy pills off a corner like they would buy a fucking hooker. If you have a quarter of a brain and actually read this post, then you can somewhat take away one or two lessons. If you still decide it’s completely okay to illegally obtain it knowing you don’t need it and abuse it, remember this, while you’re fucking around trying to be “cool” to “fit in”, how much of you are you really losing to be “accepted”? There is no guarantee that the people you are trying to impress, while being wired, are going to be there for you when you OD and have seizures. Fuckers sometimes think it’s funny when someone drunk passes out and doesn’t consider that they may have alcohol poisoning thus, that person dies. They die trying to be something/someone they are not. Remember THAT. 


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