My Humpty Dumpty

I stopped allowing myself to cry when I was 10 years old.

People tell you when something is broken you just gotta keep your chin up and pick up the pieces. But what people don’t tell you after how many cuts you should stop and leave it.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. When I get the chance to be alone, like, to really completely detach myself from the outside world I always think about the past. Why did the things that happen, happen? Why did I do the things did I do? What could’ve been this or that..

It’s hard to let something go when you’ve got as thick of a head as I go at times.

It’s hard to let something go when you get attached to something or someone the way I do or did.

It’s hard when you live your life like you have always have and then realize that some actions or the way of think of thinking that you used to have can’t work with certain people you want in your life.

I hear people say “I’m going to be me and you take all of it or take none of it” or “You’re going to get criticized so you might as well do whatever the fuck you want”.

Relationships don’t work like that. Whether it be personal or business, not compromising with others or being constantly aware of others and how your actions will affect them, little or small, will destroy you. Well destroy is a bit harsh of a word. Maybe cut you little by little. A lesson learned.

We all have to deal with people in our lives but we choose the ones that we want to create a deeper, more meaningful relationship with and nurture that relationship. But we will always be on the fence about which people are the ‘right’ or ‘best’ ones to let into our lives.

My boyfriend, now ex, and I finally officially split. The details of the nature of our relationship will remain between the two of us. What I can say is that, something beautiful, something that could’ve brought so many new beginnings, broke.

I had my “great fall” after today; I went into a place that I didn’t think I would ever go back to. Everything I’ve done since my first love and I parted has been to fill something. I never realized it until I was talking to a friend and he told me he’s a commitaphobe. Personally knowing who he is, it shocked me that he admits that. Then I wonder, am I one too? I dated here and there but never really felt like I was in a relationship. Yes, I genuinely liked whoever I was dating at the time but in the end I was just there. I felt more like I was some super close chick that the guys could be intimate with. I don’t mean just plan raw fucking. I mean, they took the time to relax, set a mood, and tried to be in the present together.

I’ve broken into another thousand pieces. I’ve tried to pick some of them up with brute force backed up by my stubborness and emotional sincerity from my heart and soul. But after so man cuts and so many tears it’s sometimes better to leave those pieces alone and stop hurting yourself anymore.

Hopefully one day maybe my ex and I can be on good terms again. Have those long night conversations before dating and while dating. Laugh our distinct laughs and tease each other about them. Share memories. Make memories. Learn from eachother. Maybe one day my Humpty Dumpty will be put back together but in a way that we won’t that he won’t completely shatter.

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